January 19, 2010

• Resolve and Resolutions

  Whenever I tell someone that I have a girlfriend they almost always resolutely respond with, “How in the name of Hollywood Undead is this possible?”  I can understand where this sentiment comes from.  The people who know me always perceive me as a single, despondent loner with the social skills of a doorknob, and I suppose I am partially (or wholly, I guess) responsible for that.  A significant part of my life over the past three years has been this farce of a blog, and during this time I’ve actively construed myself to be a single, despondent loner with the social skills of a doorknob.  And while this is entirely correct, it’s not wholly accurate.  I’m not depressed every single minute I’m awake, and when I’m in social situations I don’t always make the people around me want to kill themselves.  I have no redeeming qualities, but sometimes I like to pretend that I do.  I mean, I’m certain that I’m not the worst human being alive right now.  I know I’m a little more respectable than, say, Katy Perry because even though I’m a talentless loser, I’m not afraid to admit it.  While my brutal honesty with myself might be the single glaring obstacle that’s preventing me from becoming an international pop star, it’s my willingness to constantly downplay my significance that makes people view me in that very singular perspective.  I’m a one-dimensional guy, but generally speaking, being one-dimensional isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Adam Sandler, for example, has made a successful career out of playing the same dope in all 300 of his movies.  But, the light that I am one-dimensional in is not something I like to brag about.  No matter how content I sometimes am and no matter how many people I have around me, people seem to be resolved to the notion that I am chronically lonely and unhappy.  The singularity of my existence is ubiquitous among the people who know me, and they all unanimously agree that my recent change in relationship status is a good way for me to “start off the new year.”

  Now, for the record, I hate New Year’s Day, and this has nothing to do with that stupid Rose Parade.  I hate New Year’s Day because it’s completely nonsensical.  The fact that this holiday even exists is counterproductive to the very sentiments that it’s supposed to represent.  New Year’s Day supposedly emblemizes new beginnings and fresh starts, which make it trendy and socially acceptable for people to formulate “New Year’s resolutions.”  These are certainly honorable notions and feelings, no doubt, except for the fact that everyone takes the damn day off on January 1.  Every first day of the every year, no one is losing weight, sending out resumes, being more generous, or saving more money.  Everyone is lying in bed and riding out their hangovers.  People aren’t actively fulfilling their New Year’s resolutions, they’re only thinking (read: fantasizing) about how they can make their lives better while sitting on their couch and watching college football.  No one does shit on New Year’s Day!  There is nothing more unambitious (or American, I suppose) than starting off a new year by making the first day a holiday.  It seems to me that it would make more sense to take the last day of the year off and make December 31 a holiday, and start the new year off by working and getting stuff done.  New Year’s Day, as a holiday, is just a celebration of procrastination and laziness. 

  I don’t understand forced new beginnings, and that’s probably at the core of why I don’t like New Year’s Day.  It unnecessarily makes us view our lives in a temporal perspective.  Life isn’t measured by hours, days, or months as much as it is by the sequence of our experiences.  Have you ever reflected on your life?  I suspect that you have, and I also suspect that you don’t chronicle the events in your life by years, but rather you remember them by the context in which you were alive.  We remember our lives by what grade we were in, where we were working, and who we were sleeping with.  If you’re in (1) school, (2) have a good job, or (3) are in a fantastic relationship, you can certainly agree that time moves at a lightning fast pace when you’re existence feels validated.  Conversely by that same token, this is why the lives of (1) married people, (2) Scott Baio, and (3) people who aren’t having sex (see 1) seem to be trapped in a time vacuum.  New Year’s Day tells us to view our lives in an uncreative way, whether we have lives or not.  It’s a way for dumb people to feel better about their wretched lives when they probably shouldn’t.

  Here’s a solution.  If you want to get tossed on New Year’s Eve and party like it’s 1999 then go ahead and do it.  New Year’s Eve is the only time of the year when you can kiss a complete stranger on the lips and not be punched in the face or arrested for doing so.  Everyone should take advantage of this snafu in social dynamics.  But, if you want to turn your life around in 2010, don’t use the New Year as an excuse to do so.  Resolutions are like marriage licenses; they’re bound to get broken.  Life is a continuum, and you can change your life whenever you want to all year round.  Your resolution won’t improve your life, but your resolve will. 

  I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in 2010, and I’m pretty sure that I don’t care.  I don’t like to fantasize about how I want things to be.  I just know that my life is moving faster than seconds and minutes.  People say that my year is off to a great start, despite the fact that they’ll always view me through a lens with one-dimensional resolution.

  • 7:20 pm
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