May 8, 2010

• Hymens and Heartbreak

  They say that a man isn’t a man until he has fallen in love.  I don’t exactly know who “they” are, I don’t know if “they” are men or women, and I don’t know why “they” like to say things like “that.”  Other than a pair of testicles and a penis, I don’t know what else can qualify someone to be a “man” and not a woman or one of the Jonas Brothers.  There is the sense that “they” are implying that there is a difference between being a male and being a man, and that “falling in love” catalyzes the metamorphosis from an ignorant guy to an enlightened gentleman.  I don’t know what “their” experiences have been or what qualifies “them” to make such a statement and purport it to be the truth.  But, whoever “they” are, “they” seem to be completely misinformed on how exactly life works.  “They” might as well be “Malcolm Gladwell.”

  Theoretically, a boy will eventually become a man (unless you’re Michael Jackson) and a girl will eventually become a woman (unless you’re Madonna), but there comes a specific point in everyone’s life when they begin to look at the world in a completely different light.  They begin to see the world more realistically.  This isn’t necessarily for the better or for the worse, but they begin to see the world and their relationships with people in a way that is completely revolutionary to what they did before.  This is more than simply growing older and becoming mature.  There is a specific event that happens that causes this epiphany, and this event only happens once (usually).  Contrary to popular belief, this event is not falling in love.  Falling in love is easy, and anyone can fall in love a million times in their lives if they want to.  While falling in love is generally good, it’s not revelatory.  Furthermore, this event is different for male and females, and this is directly related to the underlying differences between men and women’s approaches to relationships.

  For girls, this event is easy to identify.  It is often said that girls become women when they lose their virginity, and this is exactly right.  Ever since childhood, girls are raised to fantasize about meeting the man of their dreams and having a spectacular wedding in front of a castle.  They’ll save their virginity for someone who is worthy to make beautiful love with, but when they finally give it up they’ll realize that sex isn’t all that beautiful but it’s kind of fun.  This shifts a girl’s entire paradigm about the nature of relationships.  This is why girls often have a hard time getting over the person they lost their virginity to:  It’s not because of love; it’s because they can’t imagine what life was like before sex.  The act of getting over that person changes their whole perspective on life.   In effect, this is also why no one has ever taken a female virgin seriously, except for Mother Teresa.

  Boys, on the other hand, are physically vested in relationships.  Beginning around the age of 10, boys develop the primal urge to have sex with anything that moves.  Sex is not a life-altering act for boys and they freely do it whenever it’s possible.  Boys will have sex with as many people as they can until they fall in love with someone.  Up to this point they’ll think that they’ve done everything right, but what boys don’t prepare for is the emotional burden of being in love.  Boys don’t become men until they’ve had their hearts broken by someone they deeply cared for.  This is why boys go absolutely apeshit when their girlfriends betray them:  It’s not because infidelity is deplorable; it’s because boys can’t control their emotions.  Much like women up until their hymens are punctured, men’s perspective on life is deluded until their hearts are pulverized by a merciless woman.  This is why nice guys finish last. 

  And these are the reasons why I consciously choose not to fall in love with girls who have never had sex.

  Four years ago my heart was shattered into a million pieces.  It was undoubtedly the worst experience of my entire life, but it was probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  I don’t understand contradictions, but maybe I do.  Life is about overcoming adversity; it has nothing to do with happiness. 

  I wonder what “they” have to say about “that.”

  • 3:44 pm
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