Sunday, 28 October 2007

• Currently Listening Science Fair By Emm Gryner see related

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  I kept a very detailed log on my trip to Tampa, Florida last week for the American Academy of Optometry conference.  I was planning to post it daily, but decided not to because I didn’t have immediate internet access.  Also, some of the details of the log would seem a bit tedious.  So, here is an abridged version of it, but even this might seem a bit tedious as well.

  Tuesday, October 23

  In the past I’ve always seen familiar faces on the flight to the conference, and this year was no exception.  One of my professors from a few years ago, Dr. Bing, sat across the aisle from my friend Paul and me.  He isn’t one of those old, senile professors.  He isn’t that old and he’s kind of quirky, which makes him kind of cool.  I also saw my friend, Rachel, who sat a couple of rows behind me.  Rachel is a strikingly gorgeous redhead who was a co-resident with me a few years ago.  We haven’t been great at keeping in touch during all this time, but we always have a fabulous time whenever we meet up.  So, I was thrilled to see her on the plane.  The flight to Tampa was remarkable only because Paul and I sat next to a crazy 50-something-year old lady named Dorothy who wouldn’t shut the hell up.  She kept talking about motorcycles, optometry (I don’t know why; she wasn’t an optometrist), and broken legs.  She accused me of watching “porn” when she saw a Japanese anime picture on my computer’s desktop.  The scary thing was that she made a call on her cell phone while we were cruising at 10,000 feet.  At this point I was certain that she was Al-Qaeda.  She talked to Dr. Bing the most, who later admitted that he wanted to kill her. 

  We landed without incident.  After checking into our hotels, the four of us met up for dinner at a place called Jackson’s Bistro, Bar, & Sushi.  It was a nice restaurant overlooking Tampa Bay.  We ordered a shitload of sushi and a shitload of alcohol.  The sushi was terrible, and it was at this point that I admitted to everyone that I never had good sushi in Florida for the four years I lived there.  That didn’t go over too well.

  We finished the night at a bar called Champions.  Dr. Bing left us for another group of cool optometrists, but we were joined by Rachel’s friend, Monica.  Monica was determined to get wasted because she hadn’t had a drink since she had a baby four months ago.  She ordered a glass of New Castle that was taller than she was.  She immediately sniffed me out as some sort of liberal wacko, and she recommended some reading for me.  I drank a lot of Guinness that night.  (Little did I know that Guinness would be an important part of my diet for the next few days.)

  Highlight of the Night:  For reasons unknown, Rachel and Monica declared that my name was now officially “Shane Varnet”.

  Wednesday, October 24

  I missed my 8am class and didn’t make it to the convention center until 10am.  I spent most of the day dodging my old professors and classmates.  I don’t know why, but I never really felt comfortable with my classmates during school.  They made me feel weird.  I suppose I am kind of weird, but I’ve known that my whole life.  But in Florida, I actually felt like a jerk for being weird.  Oh well.  I thought they were all a bunch of dorks anyway.

  At night, Paul, Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe (Rachel and Monica’s pregnant friend) met up for dinner.  Apparently, I met Monica and Phoebe three years ago at this same conference, but I didn’t remember.  I did remember going to an Irish pub three years ago with a bunch of people I didn’t know, and they were supposedly in the group.  So, we decided to try to find that place for dinner.  However, we ended up at another Irish pub called For Four Fields.  This was a hole-in-the-wall place that felt like it was someone’s house.  It was an authentic Irish pub, I suppose, as everyone who worked there spoke with an Irish accent and there was Irish stuff all over the place.  Everyone there was also white, and it made me feel very ethnic.  We ordered beer, shepherd’s pie, and beef stew.  How cliché.

  Later on we stumbled upon the bar we were really looking for.  It was called Hattricks, and it was packed with optometry geeks who were watching the World Series.  I ran into some old friends and drank more beer.  I wanted to play Golden Tee to top off the cliché, but I didn’t have any quarters.  But overall, it was a good night.

  Highlight of the Night:  Monica graphically detailed how breast feeding can sometimes turn her boobs into projectile weapons.

  Thursday, October 25

  I wasn't too thrilled with the lectures.  Nothing was spectacularly interesting, and I often found myself daydreaming.  In fact, the one thing that I thought about the most was unicorns.  Why are unicorns called "unicorns"?  Shouldn't they be called "uni-horns"?  I fear I'm losing touch with my career.
  

  After the convention, I met up with my friends Lester and Tammy, who live around the Tampa area.  They took Paul and I to an area called Channelside, and we had dinner at a tapas restaurant.  Lester and Tammy were classmates of mine, and over dinner we pretty much gossiped about what all of our other classmates were doing nowadays.  We also drank two pitchers of mojito.

  Highlight of the Night:  While we were walking around Channelside, a hot, young, and attractive girl asked me if I knew where “The Rack” was (which was apparently a bar).  Being that I am a total gentleman, I didn’t make the rude comment that she had set herself up for.  Unfortunately, Lester isn’t much of a gentleman.  He said, “I have an idea!”

  Friday, October 26

  The last day of lecture sucked.  I went to a couple of lectures from one of my favorite teachers, Dr. Sunshine, but other than that I didn’t learn anything great.  I was a little disappointed with the Academy this year.

  But, the night turned out to be kind of fun.  We attended the annual “Australia Party”, where all the conference attendees drink Foster’s beer and boogie down to the tunes of a bad cover band.  I drank an insane amount of alcohol, as did Rachel, who was celebrating her fellowship in the academy.  Rachel was thoroughly drunk, and drunk Rachel always brings out Fun Rachel.  She was singing and dancing uncontrollably to the delight of everyone.  She was also babbling like a lunatic.  At one point she asked if I thought she was “hot”, and, if we didn’t know each other, if I would “do her”.  Being that we’re friends, I felt a little weird about that question.  I don’t know what I said, but I think I just belched.

  We finished off the night at Champions bar.  I tried to flirt with one of my professors, but Rachel stopped me because she said she was ugly.  I used a pick-up line on a girl (“Well here I am!  What are your other two wishes?”), and she thought it was funny, but she didn’t talk to me the rest of the night.  I have no redeeming qualities.  There was an Indian girl who teased me about joining a threesome, but that didn’t go through, either.  Oh well.

  Highlight of the Night:  At the conference, I was waiting for Paul who was busy checking his email.  A security guard named Preston, who was kind of fat and out of shape and slobbery, approached me and started talking.  He said, “Anyone of these girls can get laid 10 times a night every night of the year.  I’m lucky if I can find a girl to screw me once every 5 years, but these girls can get laid whenever they want.  They just need to ask.  I guess that’s just the way life is.”  I don’t know why I was the person he chose to tell this to.

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