Sunday, 31 August 2008

• Currently Watching 27 Dresses (Widescreen Edition) By Katherine Heigl, James Marsden, Malin Akerman, Brian Kerwin, Charli Barcena see related

  Dreams of the Weak

  Last Monday I had a dream that I was a professional basketball player for the American Basketball Association in 1972.  Our team played exceptionally well throughout the season, but failed to clinch a playoff berth by virtue of an overtime loss to our archrival in the last game of the season.  I don’t remember the specific details of this dream, but I remember that opposing defenses had trouble defending my post-up game because of my massive afro.

  Last Tuesday I had a dream that I was walking along the center divider of the Golden State freeway in the middle of afternoon gridlock.  I was traveling to Dodger Stadium, and it was a generally pleasant walk on the Interstate, until I overheard One Last Breath by Creed coming from a car with its windows rolled down.  This prompted me to jump off the center divider, walk over to the driver side of that car, and punch that commuter in the face.

  Last Wednesday I had a dream that I was the owner of a struggling small business and I had to lay off one of my employees.  I genuinely felt terrible for having to do this and I struggled with how to go about doing it.  I told the employee that everyone, including me, was at fault for the business’s troubles.  When he agreed with that sentiment, I slyly pointed out the fact that I couldn’t fire myself.  He got the picture.

  Last Thursday I had a dream that Michelle Branch was my girlfriend and she insisted we could never make out privately.  We could only make out in public for everyone to see.  I was hesitant at first, but it didn’t take much for her to convince me that it was a good idea.  Her lips tasted like strawberry lip balm.

  Last Friday I had a dream that I was roommates with the entire Wu-Tang Clan.  We all had specific household duties and personality quirks abounded.  Ironically, Raekwon did not do any cooking, GZA was not very smart, and Ol’ Dirty Bastard was the head housekeeper.

  On Saturday I had a dream that I was watching a football game at my old high school.  However, the players weren’t high school students.  One team consisted of friends from different periods of my life.  The other team fielded a pack of African gorillas.  There was no outcome to the game, as I don’t think anyone was keeping score.  I remember eating a cheeseburger and thinking that, after all these years, the concessions stand at my old high school football stadium still had the best burgers in town.

  Last night I had a dream that I saw Sarah at the mall and she bought me an Orange Dream Machine™ drink at Jamba Juice.  Upon handing me my favorite drink, she said, “This drink sucks.”  Yes, Sarah.  This Dream sucks.

  My mind usually becomes hyperactive around this time of the year.  If there was a Universal explanation for this occurrence, I suppose it would be that the gravitational forces that are created by the upcoming vernal equinox causes a ripple effect in the molecules that control my subconscious, similar to how the moon can turn the tides.  Or, it’s simply that I hate summer, and I find that the cold and dreariness of winter strengthens my psyche.

  Hello, autumn.

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