Monday, 16 March 2009

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  Three Stories About My New Glasses

  Since my job involves sales, one of the perks is that I will occasionally get a free pair of eyeglasses complete with new frames and new prescription lenses.  Two weeks ago I was offered a pair of glasses from a vendor that was promoting their new anti-reflective lens coating.  They offered to pay for the cost of the frame and lenses and only asked that I promote their product if I liked it.  I took them up on their offer, even though I had three pairs already.  All of my glasses are unassuming black and horn rimmed spectacles, which has been my style for over ten years.  But this time I opted to try a different style.   I decided to go pretentious and unique, so I selected a metal frame from a high-end fashion designer (I heard the devil wears them), and I made sure that the brand name’s logo was ridiculously large on the frame temples.  The gunmetal frame also had a unique design in that the temples were wide and peppered with holes.  It kind of looked like a cheese grater, but how the hell should I know?  I’m not a chef.  It had to be stylish, though, because the naked guy in the poster was wearing them.

   
  

  Two days ago I got my new glasses.  Upon putting them on, I immediately felt like a tool.   The glasses didn’t make me feel sexy like the display poster insinuated it would.  Putting those glasses on was like putting 20-inch chrome wheels on a 1974 Ford Pinto.  You can’t serve a gourmet dinner on a trash can lid.  I felt like I had no business wearing these glasses, but I had no idea that other people would feel the same way.

  
  

  #1  The Neighbor:

  Every weekday morning I leave for work at 7:30 and more often than not I’ll run into my neighbor Dan in the elevator.  On my first day wearing my new glasses, I met Dan and he promptly took notice.  He said, “Hey, nice glasses!”

  I was surprised that he noticed, but relieved that he didn’t say something like me and my glasses was like a homeless guy wearing a Rolex watch.  “Thanks.  It’s not really my style though.  Honestly, they make me feel kind of gay.”

  “Yeah, they look great!”

  This was going to be a long day.

  
  

  #2  The Grocer:

  I work next to a small grocery store and sometimes I get lunch over there.  I was at the counter paying for my Flaming-Hot Funyuns and Martha the grocer said, “Those glasses look new.”

  “Yes,” I said.

  “Yes, they’re very shiny,” she said.

  “Yeah, a little bit.  What do you think?” I asked.

  “They’re very shiny.”

  “Is that good?”

  “They’re very shiny.”

  I want my contact lenses back.

  
  

  #3  The Barista:

  That evening I went to Starbucks and Leslie, the very pretty barista who never notices me, was taking my order.  She said, “Hey, you look kind of different today.”

  Good heavens.  After 302 visits she has finally acknowledged my existence.   I asked, “What do you think?” and instantly remembered what I had just asked.  I braced for the fallout.

  “Yeah, it’s a good haircut.”  I got a haircut two days ago.

  “Oh.”

  
  

  #3  The Barista:

  A few minutes later I picked up my Iced Black Tea from the bar and Jim, the dude who made the drink, said, “Hey, Shane, you look kind of different today.”

  “So I’ve heard,” I said, defeated.

  “Yeah.  Those glasses SUCK.”

  “I appreciate your honesty.  By the way, great customer service!”

  “They’re better than your black ones though.”

  "At least I'm making progress."
  

  I have no redeeming qualities.
  

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