Thursday, 10 September 2009

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  FAQ You IV

  One of the things that I used to do on this blog was answer frequently asked questions, mostly ones that I make up.  When I looked back in the archives, I couldn't believe that it's been over two years since I last did this!  A lot of things have changed since then, and I'm certain that the blog's readership has changed as well.  So, here are a few of the most commonly asked questions that I get, along with my answers.
  
  What's your real name?
  
  Shane Varnet
  
  What kind of name is that?
  
  It's a handsome name.
  
  What's your ethnicity?
  
  I'm Filipino, but within that I'm Spanish and Chinese.  Sometimes I look Mexican, too, but that's only when I wear jeans to the beach.
  
  Where are you from?
  
  Cerritos, California.  It's by far the greatest city on this godforsaken rock.
  
  Where do you live now?
  
  Right now I live in Burbank, California.  It's one of the reasons why this planet is a godforsaken rock.
  
  What do you do for a living?
  
  I'm an optometrist.  I know what you're thinking.   I can't fucking believe it, either.
  

  My optometrist is kind of a dork.  Why is that?

  Let me explain to you what the optometry community is like. 92% of all optometry school students are dorks (and 100% of this 92% think they’re cool), which means that 95% of all practicing optometrists are dorks (the reason for the 3% increase is unknown). So your optometrist is a dork because he was most likely a dork in optometry school.

  On an unrelated note, 58% of all optometry school students are married Asian females, 10% are Mormon, 16% couldn’t get into med school, 53% are virgins, 2% have bad breath, 71% are “good-looking” (or considered “hot”), 0.4% are witches, 0.2% drink Kool-Aid, and 26% drive Honda Accords.

  Why do you hang out at Starbucks so much?
  
  Because their continued indifference to my existence inspires me to write unambitious blog entries for the enjoyment of the masses.  Also, their Frappuccinos are fucking delicious.
  
  Who is "Fun Shane?"
  
  "Fun Shane" is my alter-ego who is unleashed whenever I get drunk enough.  However, if I drink too much, "Fun Shane" becomes "Horny Shane" and then "Sleepy Shane."
  
  Why do you zero eProp so many Xangans?
  
  I'm not being a dick.  I'm just providing a public service.  Many people have forgotten about the zero eProp option.  I'm trying to bring it back for people who deserve it.
  
  Do you think Barack Obama is a socialist?
  
  I will personally write a check for $2.00 to every paranoid conservative if the United States becomes a communist country by 2012.
  
  How many women have you slept with?
  
  210 since 1993.
  
  How many women have slept with you?
  
  3
  
  What are the last four digits of your social security number?
  
  Eight, one, zero, two.
  
  Do you think white people should be allowed to play in the NBA?
  
  Yes, I believe in affirmative action programs.
  
  How is Kate Beckinsale doing?
  
  Kate is doing very well!  Her new movie, Whiteout, hits theaters this weekend.
  

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