Wednesday, 04 November 2009

• Currently All for You By Janet Jackson see related

  The Commitment Issue

  Last Thursday I was standing outside of Starbucks with the intent of smoking a cigarette when I realized that I had left my lighter at home.  I walked over to a guy named Rodney (who coincidentally looks a lot like Rodney Bingenheimer) and kindly asked him if I could use his lighter.  He said, “Jesus Fucking Christ,” and grudgingly handed me his miniature Bic™ flame thrower.  After using it I thanked him and handed it back, but that didn't stop him from snarling at me as he walked away.  Normally, rudeness like this would have irritated me, but this interaction didn’t bother me at all.  I expected this type of behavior from Rodney because this simple episode has occurred at least once a week for the last eleven months.  Like me, Rodney is considered a “regular” at Starbucks, but he’s not your typical loyal customer.  Rodney is at Starbucks every hour that they’re open of every day.  He and his wacky behavior are perceived to be part of the furniture:  Taking an insult from him seriously would be like being offended by a messy couch.  Everyone would agree that Rodney’s commitment to this store has definitely been beneficial to him.  His committed loyalty to Starbucks has essentially granted him a pass to being a complete dick.

  Commitment is generally perceived as a good thing, particularly because it fosters dedication and loyalty.  These are certainly desirable attributes, particularly in terms of relationships.  When a couple has been dating for a considerable amount of time, it’s often expected that at some point their relationship will become exclusive.  Friends and family will start to chatter about when the couple will move in together, get married, and have children.  However, many times the relationship doesn’t reach this point.  One person balks at the notion of becoming exclusive and declines to commit.  This person is then accused of having “commitment issues,” and this kind of bothers me, particularly because the accused person is usually the guy.
  

  Men and women are both accused of having “commitment issues,” but, generally speaking, this term is more often (and unfairly) applied to men.  In reality, men don’t suffer from this alleged syndrome because there is no such thing as “commitment issues.”  Let’s consider the following scenario that everyone, male and female, has experienced at some point in their lives:  A guy meets a girl and they get to know each other.  The girl thinks that she made a new friend, but the guy secretly harbors feelings for her.  After some time the guy starts to drop hints to her that he wants to be more than friends.  He starts calling her more often, he starts taking her out, and he starts buying her things.  The girl begins to suspect that something is afoot, but she doesn’t say anything because she doesn’t want to jeopardize their friendship.  The guy presses on, eventually making her a mix-tape CD of R&B songs (particularly Usher) and asking her to be his girlfriend.  While flattered (read: creeped out), she denies his request.  The guy insists that there are no hard feelings and, as a friendly gesture, he takes her to watch a Dane Cook movie in the theaters.  Afterwards, they go to their respective homes and they both cry (but for very different reasons).

  The point is that men don’t have “commitment issues;" they're just perceived to have them.  A woman (generally speaking) won’t commit to a guy unless she feels really comfortable about him (on average this takes about six dates).  But when she does decide that she wants to be committed to him, she will usually expect him to feel the same way.  When this doesn't happen, the guy is accused of being afraid of commitment.  But, that's not really what's going on.  If a man wants to be in a committed relationship, then he’ll say it.  He won’t wait for the woman to express the same sentiment, and he won’t play any mind games regarding his feelings for the girl.  A guy won’t beat around the bush.
  

  The truth is that if a guy hasn’t expressed that he wants to be committed, then he doesn’t want to be committed and he’s probably not that interested.  For example, I might not like Red Lobster, but that doesn’t mean that I have issues with seafood restaurants.  It just means that I have issues with Red Lobster.  If a guy doesn’t express interest in committing to a girl, that doesn’t mean that he has issues with commitment.  It just means that he has issues committing to that girl.  “Commitment issues” is a cop out.  It’s not like people who want to be in relationships are ever accused of having “being-single issues.”  The term “commitment issues” was probably coined by someone who was in a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere but didn’t want to blame themselves.

  Commitment is beneficial in any aspect of life because it’s a conscious decision.  It’s good to commit yourself to something if you want to, but you shouldn’t fault someone for not committing to something that you want them to.  Commitment might make you feel better about your relationship, it might give your life focus, and it might give you a pass to being a jerk, but it’s never, ever an “issue.”

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