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A Conservative Perspective

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 22:19:55 GMT

Current events from a Conservative’s perspective:

We live in turbulent times.

We are fighting two wars overseas with no clear exit strategy. We’re also involved in a conflict between Israel and Palestine and Iran that has no resolution that I perceive can satisfy all parties involved.

Our economy has tanked and unemployment is reaching all-time highs. We have given billions of taxpayer dollars to Wall Street in efforts to overcome the recession. And while the economy is improving, all signs indicate that we will experience a “jobless recovery,” which doesn’t really help anyone (unless you’re a banking executive).

The current President and Congress are the most liberal that this country has ever seen. Their healthcare bill calls for a government takeover of the healthcare system. While this plan will provide healthcare to over 95% of all Americans, it will also mean an increase in government spending and limit the choices of citizens, both of which are antithetical to the principles and ideals that America was founded on.

The polar ice caps are (allegedly) melting. The environment is being destroyed, and breathing the air in downtown Los Angeles is just as healthy as smoking a Marlboro Ultra Light cigarette.

Moreover, our children are crazy. They are strung out on Adderall and worship vampires. In the midst of all of this, music by Miley Cyrus doesn’t seem all that bad, despite the atrocity that it actually is.

Nevertheless, I still have hope and a lot to be thankful for. Because even though I have no health insurance and no job, I’m content to know that Adam and Steve can’t get married in California or Maine.

Age Vs. Marriage Vs. Love Vs. Gays

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:25:22 GMT

What the hell is going on with Brett Favre? I’m not referring to the fact that he is having a phenomenal football season in which he has led the Minnesota Vikings to a 7-1 start, despite supposedly being in the “twilight” of his career. Nor am I referring to the fact that he has shattered every significant NFL quarterback record and cemented his place as one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play the game. I’m referring to the fact that he has managed to look like a 55-year old geezer at 40 years old. It seems like it was just a few years ago that he looked like a regular 30-something-year old man, but I must have missed the day that he showed up to training camp with a wrinkled face and a full head of gray hair. This thoroughly befuddles me, though I now suspect that playing in 1,000 (this is approximate) consecutive football games speeds up the aging process.

However, Brett's hypersonic aging ability is nothing compared to what MCA from the Beastie Boys has accomplished. When the Beasties released Licensed to Ill in 1986, he was 22 years old, but he managed to look like he was 30 and sound like he was 35. When they released their last studio album, To the 5 Boroughs, in 2004, he was 40 years old, but he looked like he was 67 and he sounded like he was 71. Today, ol' "Nathaniel Hornblower" is 43 and he certainly is not getting any younger. I fear he may be the only 43-year-old person in modern history to die of old age. Why are these guys aging so fast? I don't understand white people.

I’ve been told that Asian people don’t age as fast as the white ones. I don’t know if there is any truth to that. It might just be a social misconception or Asian propaganda. It might even be an optical illusion. How the hell should I know? But, I suppose it seems to be true. Personally (as a 30-year-old Asian American), I don’t see myself to be “30 years old” in any capacity. I have the political outlook of a college hippie (also known as “liberal”). I talk like a fucking teenage asshole. I have the musical taste of a 14-year old (I consciously hang Avril Lavigne posters throughout my home) and the sense of humor of an 8-year old (I enjoy primetime programming on the CW). I eat like a toddler (my dinner last night was hot dogs with a glass of whole milk). Furthermore, I don’t even look 30 years old (I've been told I don't look a day over 20).

Of course, all of this is relative to what a 30-year old person is supposed to look like and how that person is supposed to behave, and a lot of people expect that 30-year old behavior includes getting married. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel outside pressure about marriage. I’ve been to more weddings in the past two years than I’ve ever been in my life. My parents occasionally ask when I’m going to get married and produce children. One by one my single friends are deciding that it’s time to walk down the aisle, and when I get together with the few single friends I have left, it seems that we spend a good amount of time pondering when we’re going to fall from the ranks of the singles. Most of the time these conversations are nothing more than playful banter, but lately I can’t help but feel that they’ve taken somewhat of a serious turn.

I can certainly understand the desire to be in a relationship. It’s fun and exciting, and there’s an unrivaled sense of security and worth that comes along with companionship. As someone who has been in love, I certainly know that being in love is the most fantastic feeling anyone can ever experience. I sincerely hope that everyone falls in love at least once in their life. However, what troubles me is that people tend to equate “falling in love” with “getting married”, and being 30 years old, it seems that “getting married” is becoming more and more of an issue. This makes no sense to me because the older I get, the less I understand the necessity to get legally married. All the joys of a relationship can still be enjoyed without getting married. You can fall in love without getting married. You can commit yourself to someone without getting married. You can live with your boyfriend or girlfriend without getting married. You can raise children with your partner without getting married. You can have a great life for all eternity with someone you love without getting married. While I can understand the desire to get married for religious or cultural reasons, I cannot understand any benefit for getting legally married. A marriage recognized by the state is nothing more than a contract that says that you are obligated to share half of everything you own with someone. It doesn’t make financial sense to me to get married, because if I get married and it ends in divorce, she will likely clean out my bank accounts and cash in on her divorce insurance (engagement ring).

The more I think about it, the more I convince myself that the only reason people get married is because they are insecure about their relationships and would feel more secure if it was insured with a legally binding contract. Is this what love is about? I’m beginning to suspect that marriage is detrimental to true love. The gay and Lesbian community should consider itself lucky that some states won't allow them to marry. While I would support any proposal that would legalize their marriages in the same spirit that I support euthanasia, I still think that the gay and Lesbian community should stop pursuing this legislation because all marriages should be illegal.

The gays don't know how good they have it already.

Expiration Dating

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 20:24:27 GMT

I stop by Starbucks every morning on my way to work. Two weeks ago when I was buying my coffee looked in my wallet and realized that I was all out of cash. I dug around my wallet to look for one of my credit cards, and when I pulled it out an expired condom fell out and onto the counter. Amused, the barista said, “Awesome,” and I said, “Yes, that was a pretty awesome thing to happen.” I paid for my coffee, put the expired condom back in my wallet, grabbed my coffee, and drove to work. The rest of the day was unremarkable. Although the expired condom event was pretty awesome, it really wasn’t anything remarkable. I remember this day because I woke up with a great feeling, but I didn't know why. All I knew was that I saw the world in a new light.

Sometime in the past two weeks, I came to the realization that there is probably not a woman on the face of this Earth who can ever truly fall in love with me. Now, I don’t think that I’m a difficult person to appreciate. After all, I am a “nice guy”, and 100% of the people who know me can attest to that statement. I’m friendly, kind, generous, and pleasant; I’m not rude, harsh, abrasive, or mean-spirited. Honestly,it’s pretty damn easy to not be an asshole. However, I am kind of a reflective person and critical thinker, but these are qualities that don't stand out right away.

The problem is that to appreciate these qualities about me, it takes patience, thoughtfulness, heart, and effort, and those are things that women, for the most part, don’t have. As a 30-year old single man, I’ve been expected to date women who are around my age. But, I’ve realized that something happens to women at around 28 years old that just causes them to go completely berserk. Generally speaking from my experience, women over 28 are not looking for boyfriends anymore. They’re no longer looking for people to have fun with or new people to talk to. Women over 28 are no longer looking for nice or intelligent guys. They’re no longer looking for someone who can hold a decent conversation. They’re no longer looking for someone who can take them to Mammoth every winter or someone who can show them the nightlife on the Westside. Rather, women over 28 are looking for husbands and fathers for their future children. They feel that they need to get married and have children STAT, and this kind of mentality makes women over 28 kind of insane. No matter what they say, women over 28 are looking for sperm and someone who will stand next to them in the picture for the annual Christmas card.

Now, I don’t know what happens to women when they turn 28 that makes them go bonkers, but they’re all looking to get hitched and knocked up ASAP, and many of them end up “falling in love” with the first sucker they meet after they turn 28. Why do you think so many people get married by the time they’re 30? Is it because of love? Sadly, their strong desire to get married makes them oblivious to the things that are important to having a real, loving relationship (such as love, respect, honor, and a “normal guy”). I really don’t need any of that, and that’s why I will never date a woman older than 28 years old anymore. I want someone to appreciate me for who I am, and that takes time. I don’t want someone to “fall in love” with me just because I am 30 and have sperm.

I suppose it isn’t fair that women have a biological time clock, and that they can only bear children up to a certain age. (I mean, I can have children when I’m 80 years old, and that hardly seems fair. The more I think about it, it seems kind of ideal to have children later in life when I’m retired. I mean, I’m too busy with work and having a social life nowadays, so why not have kids when I’m rich and retired and have nothing else to do?) Also, I suppose we still live in an old-fashioned society where an older, single woman with no children is considered an “old maid”. That’s really not fair, too. It is true that society unjustifiably puts more pressure on women than men to get married and have children. A lot of things have contributed to women’s social status, and I’ll admit that men have a lot to do with it. Men, Christianity, tradition, government, religion, and women’s indifference have all oppressed women throughout history. But at the end of the day, IT’S NOT MY PROBLEM.

Sure, it’s “my problem” in a way because I have a sense of stewardship to my society, but what the hell am I supposed to do? I’m not misogynistic. I don’t hate women. I’m nice to them. I have good manners around them. I support a woman’s right to choose. I support women’s suffrage. I’ve even gone on record and said that female is the superior gender and that God is a woman. But, as a man, what more can I do? I highly doubt that me dating cougars will make any significant impact in the pro-women movement. (If women really wanted to stop their oppression, then they should stop doing what is expected of them. They should stop being so desperate after hitting 28 and realize that getting married and having babies aren’t really all that important.)

From now on I’m only going to date women 26 and younger. Women 26 and under aren’t insane like older women. Their judgment is less likely to be clouded by the idea that they need to have babies or get married immediately. They’re more likely to be care-free and open-minded. They’re more likely to be willing to listen to what I have to say and learn new things. They’re more likely to laugh at all my jokes. And most importantly, they have all the time in the world to appreciate a person like me (and vice-versa). Women 26 and younger don’t know what the hell they want in a guy, which is great because with me, women don’t know what they’re going to get. I understand that not all women fall into these general categories, but because of the biological time clock, a woman older than 28 is more likely to be insane than a woman younger than 28. I have to go with the odds.

I have the rest of my life to fall in love. There’s no expiration date on my condom.

Three Truths About Racism

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 21:12:35 GMT

I started to write a post about racism, but the more I wrote the more it started to make me sound like a racist.

I scratched that post, but what I wanted to say with it was probably best captured by David Benioff. He penned one of the greatest racist diatribes in literature in his novel The 25th Hour, which was made into a movie by Spike Lee. The rant was so beautifully crafted that it essentially captured everything I know about racism: (1) Racism is wrong and (2) everyone has racist feelings sometimes, but (3) racism is negligible (and sometimes entertaining) as long as you hate everyone equally (including yourself).

The scene from the movie depicts the protagonist, Montgomery Brogan, drunk in a restaurant bathroom a few hours before he goes to jail. He's staring at some graffiti on the bathroom wall that says "Fuck you" and says:

"Yeah, fuck you, too.

"Fuck me? Fuck you! Fuck you and this whole city and everyone in it.

"Fuck the panhandlers, grubbing for money, and smiling at me behind my back.

"Fuck squeegee men dirtying up the clean windshield of my car. Get a fucking job!

"Fuck the Sikhs and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out their pores and stinking up my day. Terrorists in fucking training. Slow the fuck down!

"Fuck the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped up biceps. Going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jingling their dicks on my Channel 35.

"Fuck the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic. Ten years in the country, still no speaky English?

"Fuck the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafés, sipping tea in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin' and dealin' and schemin'. Go back where you fucking came from!

"Fuck the black-hatted Chassidim, strolling up and down 47th street in their dirty gabardine with their dandruff. Selling South African apartheid diamonds!

"Fuck the Wall Street brokers. Self-styled masters of the universe. Michael Douglas, Gordon Gecko wannabe mother fuckers, figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those Enron assholes to jail for fucking life! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that shit? Give me a fucking break! Tyco! Imclone! Adelphia! Worldcom!

"Fuck the Puerto Ricans. 20 to a car, swelling up the welfare rolls, worst fuckin' parade in the city. And don't even get me started on the Dom-in-i-cans, because they make the Puerto Ricans look good.

"Fuck the Bensonhurst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warm-up suits, and their St. Anthony medallions. Swinging their, Jason Giambi, Louisville slugger, baseball bats, trying to audition for the Sopranos.

"Fuck the Upper East Side wives with their Hermés scarves and their fifty-dollar Balducci artichokes. Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny. You're not fooling anybody, sweetheart!

"Fuck the uptown brothers. They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take fives steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man. Slavery ended one hundred and thirty seven years ago. Move the fuck on!

"Fuck the corrupt cops with their anus violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence. You betray our trust!

"Fuck the priests who put their hands down some innocent child's pants. Fuck the church that protects them, delivering us into evil. And while you're at it, fuck JC! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in fuckin Otisville, Jay!

"Fuck Osama Bin Laden, Al-queda, and backward-ass, cave-dwelling, fundamentalist assholes everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your seventy-two whores roasting in a jet-fueled fire in hell. You towel headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal, Irish ass!

"Fuck Jacob Elinski, whining malcontent.

"Fuck my father with his endless grief, standing behind that bar. Sipping on club soda, selling whiskey to firemen and cheering the Bronx Bombers.

"Fuck this whole city and everyone in it. From the row houses of Astoria to the penthouses on Park Avenue. From the projects in the Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenements in Alphabet City to the brownstones in Park slope to the split levels in Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it. Let the fires rage. Let it burn to fuckin ash then let the waters rise and submerge this whole, rat-infested place.

"No. No, fuck you, Montgomery Brogan. You had it all and then you threw it away, you dumb fuck!"

The Commitment Issue

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 07:00:37 GMT

Last Thursday I was standing outside of Starbucks with the intent of smoking a cigarette when I realized that I had left my lighter at home. I walked over to a guy named Rodney (who coincidentally looks a lot like Rodney Bingenheimer) and kindly asked him if I could use his lighter. He said, “Jesus Fucking Christ,” and grudgingly handed me his miniature Bic™ flame thrower. After using it I thanked him and handed it back, but that didn't stop him from snarling at me as he walked away. Normally, rudeness like this would have irritated me, but this interaction didn’t bother me at all. I expected this type of behavior from Rodney because this simple episode has occurred at least once a week for the last eleven months. Like me, Rodney is considered a “regular” at Starbucks, but he’s not your typical loyal customer. Rodney is at Starbucks every hour that they’re open of every day. He and his wacky behavior are perceived to be part of the furniture: Taking an insult from him seriously would be like being offended by a messy couch. Everyone would agree that Rodney’s commitment to this store has definitely been beneficial to him. His committed loyalty to Starbucks has essentially granted him a pass to being a complete dick.

Commitment is generally perceived as a good thing, particularly because it fosters dedication and loyalty. These are certainly desirable attributes, particularly in terms of relationships. When a couple has been dating for a considerable amount of time, it’s often expected that at some point their relationship will become exclusive. Friends and family will start to chatter about when the couple will move in together, get married, and have children. However, many times the relationship doesn’t reach this point. One person balks at the notion of becoming exclusive and declines to commit. This person is then accused of having “commitment issues,” and this kind of bothers me, particularly because the accused person is usually the guy.

Men and women are both accused of having “commitment issues,” but, generally speaking, this term is more often (and unfairly) applied to men. In reality, men don’t suffer from this alleged syndrome because there is no such thing as “commitment issues.” Let’s consider the following scenario that everyone, male and female, has experienced at some point in their lives: A guy meets a girl and they get to know each other. The girl thinks that she made a new friend, but the guy secretly harbors feelings for her. After some time the guy starts to drop hints to her that he wants to be more than friends. He starts calling her more often, he starts taking her out, and he starts buying her things. The girl begins to suspect that something is afoot, but she doesn’t say anything because she doesn’t want to jeopardize their friendship. The guy presses on, eventually making her a mix-tape CD of R&B songs (particularly Usher) and asking her to be his girlfriend. While flattered (read: creeped out), she denies his request. The guy insists that there are no hard feelings and, as a friendly gesture, he takes her to watch a Dane Cook movie in the theaters. Afterwards, they go to their respective homes and they both cry (but for very different reasons).

The point is that men don’t have “commitment issues;" they're just perceived to have them. A woman (generally speaking) won’t commit to a guy unless she feels really comfortable about him (on average this takes about six dates). But when she does decide that she wants to be committed to him, she will usually expect him to feel the same way. When this doesn't happen, the guy is accused of being afraid of commitment. But, that's not really what's going on. If a man wants to be in a committed relationship, then he’ll say it. He won’t wait for the woman to express the same sentiment, and he won’t play any mind games regarding his feelings for the girl. A guy won’t beat around the bush.

The truth is that if a guy hasn’t expressed that he wants to be committed, then he doesn’t want to be committed and he’s probably not that interested. For example, I might not like Red Lobster, but that doesn’t mean that I have issues with seafood restaurants. It just means that I have issues with Red Lobster. If a guy doesn’t express interest in committing to a girl, that doesn’t mean that he has issues with commitment. It just means that he has issues committing to that girl. “Commitment issues” is a cop out. It’s not like people who want to be in relationships are ever accused of having “being-single issues.” The term “commitment issues” was probably coined by someone who was in a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere but didn’t want to blame themselves.

Commitment is beneficial in any aspect of life because it’s a conscious decision. It’s good to commit yourself to something if you want to, but you shouldn’t fault someone for not committing to something that you want them to. Commitment might make you feel better about your relationship, it might give your life focus, and it might give you a pass to being a jerk, but it’s never, ever an “issue.”

The Atheists' Cafe: Perception Vs. Reality

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 07:00:00 GMT

Generally speaking, which is more important to you: Perception or reality?

What is Really Going On

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:00:15 GMT

I have a photographic memory. I have an uncanny ability to not forget things. This “talent” has been, for the most part, beneficial to me. This single quality of mine is the only reason why I was able to successfully navigate my way through eight years of college tests and not forget songs by Glenn Lewis. Unfortunately, this has also made me retain minute details about people I meet. Just yesterday I was ordering a Caramel Frappuccino at Starbucks and I casually asked Audrey the barista if she was looking forward to Weezer’s new album, Raditude, which was coming out next week. She gave me a look that was both of puzzlement and fear. Before this point, the extent of our relationship was an exchange we had more than a year ago when I walked into Starbucks wearing a Weezer t-shirt and she remarked, “Weezer is my favorite band.” My photographic memory has made me both a great test taker and a creeper. I don’t know what to make of this dichotomy. I have no redeeming qualities.

Anyway, I said I have a photographic memory, but let me rephrase that. I have a photographic memory for things that I want to remember. I have subconsciously expelled (seemingly) random memories of people, places, and events from my past. Most of my memories as a kid are vague and faint, and there’s a four-year gap between third and sixth grade where I don’t remember anything at all. There are random gaps in my memories of college, most notably regarding girls I allegedly dated. Recently I was reminded by a friend that I dated a girl named “Cheryl” for almost two years in the late 1990s (a time that, sadly, strikes me as the era of the rise of Limp Bizkit). Two years is seemingly more than enough time to get to know someone, yet I can only recall random details about her: 1. She was short, 2. She was loud, and 3. She liked to say, “What’s really going on?” as a way of saying, “Hello,” “How are you?”, or “How come no one is talking?” I suppose she liked to make up her own lingo. This makes sense, because I was told she was from the San Francisco Bay Area.

I suppose I can lethargically assume that these forgotten incidents have nothing to do with shaping who I currently am. If they did, I would never know (because they’re forgotten!). This makes me neither happy nor sad. Coffee shop philosophers and history majors like to say that our reality is a product of our own history, but what happens when our memory is skewed? Does our perception significantly diverge from reality? If perception is different from reality, why would I want to know what is real? What are the merits of living in reality, and what defines reality? Is reality really important?

Or, as my supposed ex-girlfriend would say, “What’s really going on?”

In this day and age, the line between perception and reality isn’t clearly defined. For example, I have a girlfriend who is under the perception that I’m good-looking and smart, mostly because I say lots of things she’s never heard before. The reality is that I look like a foot (even when I smile) and I’m just very, very bored.

What’s really going on?

Because we are bombarded with so much information in this day and age, we are more politically and socially aware than we were in, say, 1985. We are more apt to have opinions about things we probably shouldn’t have opinions about. For example, the perception is that the Republican party is experiencing a resurgence, mainly because of newfound leadership in media personalities like Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, and Rush Limbaugh. The reality is that since 2004 when their popularities began to rise, the Republican party lost the majority of public office seats on a state and federal level, including the Presidency. The Republican Party’s popularity is inversely proportional to the popularities of their supposed media leaders.

What’s really going on?

The perception is that Barack Obama is a left-wing extremist and socialism zealot. The reality is that he’s a moderate. He’s the most moderate guy I’ve ever known! His support for a government-sponsored “public option” in healthcare isn’t as liberal as proposing a single-payer system and isn’t as conservative as doing nothing.

What’s really going on?

The perception is that the Republican Party is the party of the Christian right. The reality is that the Republican Party has historically been the party of fiscal conservatism and small government. It was only within the last ten years that the Republican Party was infiltrated by Jesus enthusiasts who made the Republican Party their own by instilling their own dogma in policies. True Republicans don’t care about dogma or ideals. Today’s real “Republicans” are really Libertarians.

What’s really going on?

The perception of the Teabaggers in the Teabag Movement is that they have lost their country to an illegitimate President and a radical Congress that will turn the country into the United Socialist States of America. The reality is that they didn’t lose their country. The country is still here. I’m standing on American soil right now. The only thing they lost was a bunch of elections on November 4, 2008. They’ve forgotten the fact that when you participate in a democratic election, there’s a chance that your side might lose. They’re just being sore losers.

What’s really going on?

There is a perception that gay marriage is an immoral. The reality is that marriage itself is neither moral nor immoral. It’s amoral. It’s as amoral as eating an apple. Anyone should be able to marry anyone, even Lady Gaga. Someone should be able to marry their pet donkey if they wanted to. You might think that’s wrong, but that's your problem, not theirs (nor the donkey's).

What’s really going on?

Reality is a void that is filled with myriad perceptions.

What's really going on?

I don’t know. I’ve already forgotten.

Best Halloween Costumes Ever

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 18:46:04 GMT

The five best Halloween costumes of all-time:

Bed sheet ghost: Made popular in It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!, this is perhaps the most classic Halloween costume. This kid is usually a short, 4-year-old uncreative white boy walking around with his parents and carrying a plastic pumpkin Halloween basket. While this costume is not scary, white people putting sheets over their heads is generally disturbing. This kid won't be scary until 20 years when he dons the white sheet again as a member of the Ku Klux Klan. If you see this kid, give him a rock.

Toilet-paper mummy: This asshole is usually a drunk student from the local college. I was once this asshole, which validates the legitimacy of this costume. If this guy stumbles onto your porch on Halloween, give him a drink.

Black kid basketball player: This isn't really a costume; it's just the 5’10”, 10-year-old black kid from around the corner wearing a Lakers Kobe Bryant jersey with the matching basketball shorts. He is typically unaware that it is Halloween, but decides to partake in the trick-or-treat mayhem that he sees when he’s walking home from the park. The outfit is incomplete if he’s not carrying the required Indoor/Outdoor Spalding basketball.

Ski masked hoodlum: This qualifies as the “Laziest Costume Ever”. This kid is usually the 14-year-old high school freshman who’s still trying to hang on to his youth and just wants to snatch up some candy. So he dons his ski mask and walks around the neighborhood thinking his "costume" warrants free candy. He tricks-or-treats efficiently like a seasoned veteran, and knows which houses have the full-sized candy bars and which houses have the wax-wrapped mystery candies.

Brown paper bag mask: Halloween wouldn’t be Halloween without the kid with the brown paper bag over his head. This is typically the "cool" guy from second grade whose female classmates giggle about. He’s so cool he doesn’t have to wear a costume. He just cuts eye holes in his brown bag, puts it on his head, and he’s ready to roll. He just wants his fucking candy. And he doesn’t carry one of those fucking plastic pumpkins. He keeps his loot in a pillowcase. That’s gangsta.

Shalloween Time

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 20:36:51 GMT

One of my worst qualities is that I’m not a very confident guy, and this is reflected in how I dress myself. I don’t know anything about what is good or bad in clothing or fashion, which is probably the direct result of being colorblind. To keep things simple for me, all of my clothes are very plain and boring and are either black, white, gray, or blue. Combine my boring wardrobe with my boring haircut and generally boring countenance and you have yourself one boring-looking dude.

I’m a boring, non-confident dude.

However, it’s a good thing that I don’t have to be particularly creative when I dress up for work. I don’t have a uniform, but I do have to wear a shirt and tie (which is kind of like a uniform, I suppose). I currently rotate through a set of seven or eight dress shirts of varying colors and styles, and I have accompanying pants and ties that have been pre-approved (by friends, sales associates, baristas, strangers, etc.) to match my shirts. But while my work wardrobe is fairly idiot-proof, there are two shirts that I prefer more than the others. I have no idea why, but these two shirts make me look absolutely phenomenal, and whenever I wear them to work I exude confidence into the stratosphere. I don’t understand John W. Nordstrom.

I’m certain that most people would agree that what you wear can affect your confidence and, conversely, your confidence can affect what you wear. People who are confident about their bodies are more likely to wear tight clothes that accentuate their figures. However, this standard seems to be thrown out the window every year for Halloween. Over the past twenty years Halloween has slowly evolved from a day where kids can get candy to an excuse for adults to get drunk. It has also inexplicably become a day for women to dress slutty and not feel guilty about it (slutty angels, slutty devils, slutty girl scouts, slutty nurses, etc.). As a man, it would be weird of me to object to this trend, but there is something about this that kind of bothers me. It’s not only the women who have nice figures who dress skimpy for Halloween, but women who normally don’t dress skanky seem to like to dress less on Halloween, too. It seems that many women who were ashamed of their bodies for 364 days of the year suddenly all strip down for October 31. Sometimes this is good, but sometimes it’s like watching a train wreck. Now, I’m not going to make fun of fat women who do this because they have every right to dress like sluts if they want to. It certainly takes a good amount of confidence to dress like a whore, and if you’re proud of your body (which is good) then you have every right to show it off if you want to. But, I don’t understand why they have to wait for Halloween to do this. I mean, if they’re really proud and confident about their bodies, then shouldn’t they dress like sluts all year long? Why wait for a kid holiday like Halloween?

We should probably give Halloween back to the kids.

The Understanding of White People

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:12:37 GMT

There is a scene in Spider-Man 3 that pisses me off every time I see it. The scene shows Mary Jane (played by Kirsten Dunst) and Harry (played by that one dude in Pineapple Express) on a date, except they’re not really on a date. They’re at home (I think at Harry’s high-rise apartment), and they’re in the kitchen cooking omelets. And they’re not just cooking omelets; they’re also listening to The Twist by Chubby Checker, which inexplicably causes Mary Jane to totally lose her inhibition and dance in the middle of the kitchen. Harry becomes possessed by Chubby Checker, too, and begins to shake his hips as if he has no control over them. The two of them are having much more fun cooking omelets than common sense would dictate. They dance for several seconds and no words are exchanged until it is realized that the butter is burning. This scene struck me as being utterly corny. Is this what some people do on dates? Is cooking omelets really that much fun? Is Chubby Checker’s music really subliminal hypnosis? At the end of the scene, I immediately said out loud in the theater, “I don’t understand white people."

I know what you might be thinking. You’re probably thinking that it’s wrong, ignorant, and small-minded of me to racialize this seemingly innocuous scene from a comic book movie. I suppose it is kind of unfair of me to assume that all white people are guilty of cheesiness like this. It’s more likely that this contrived scene was simply depicting an isolated incident of two smitten dorks trying to convince themselves that they can dance. But, this scene really annoys me and it would be unfair (and cowardly) to attribute this emotive response to an explanation that is simple, boring, and unambitious. Someone needs to be blamed for my overreaction, and blaming white people always seems to be a good decision.

Just to be clear, I don’t hate white people, but I think I’m sincere when I say that I don’t understand them. I grew up in a town where the majority of its residents were Asian American, and most of my friends throughout my life have been either Filipino, Korean, Mexican, or African. I’m fairly certain that my current understanding of white people comes exclusively from the media, particularly from watching Friends and listening to (unfortunately) Limp Bizkit. It’s not necessarily right or wrong and it’s not anyone fault, but I think it’s a fair and honest assessment that I don’t know anything about white people.

Generally as a species, human beings tend to fear things that they don’t understand. This is probably the root of all major conflicts and struggle in the history of the world. This is why we fear things like wild animals, manual transmission, the SAT test, and Mormons. But despite my ignorance, I don’t fear white people, and Spider-Man 3’s portrayal of them didn’t change that sentiment. It did, however, make me conscious to the peculiar phase that I am going through in my life right now. As someone who has dated exclusively Asian women throughout his entire life, I’ve become conspicuously interested in white girls lately, despite the fact that they want nothing to do with me. I suppose my ignorance about them has piqued my interest instead of causing me to fear them (which was probably the case earlier in my life). Do white people cook omelets when they go on dates? Do white people really have fun every time they make omelets? Do white people really turn into morons when they hear Chubby Checker? Are white people really this corny when they’re in love? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I kind of want to find out. The only other explanation I have for my new fetish is that Asian girls don’t like me anymore and someone has to bear (or suffer) the brunt of my affection. In my world, someone always has to lose.

The butter’s burning. Somebody stop me.