They say that Disneyland is “the happiest place on Earth,” and anyone who has been to Disneyland can attest to this sentiment.  All the employees (playfully known as “cast members”) are ridiculously happy, despite the fact that they’re dressed like dorks.  As a recent visitor to this bastion of overindulgent merriment, I bore witness to the euphoria that seems to ooze out of every crevice of this corner of Orange County, California.  The atmosphere was completely welcoming and I felt as much at home as a Mexican would feel at Dodger Stadium on game night.  The elation in the park intoxicated my mind like a drug.  I was so high on happiness that I made the mindless decision to purchase a $60 bright orange sweatshirt with Tigger’s (from Winnie the Pooh) giant face printed across the front of it.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I know that this sweatshirt is something that I could never get away with wearing in real life.  I don’t know much about reality, but I do know that it’s hard to look cool and respectable when you’re wearing a sweatshirt with Tigga’s mug on full display across your chest.  Like Kobe Bryant at a resort spa in Colorado during the off season, happiness makes us do stupid things we’ll regret later on.

I suppose the attraction that best epitomizes the notion of “the happiest place on Earth” is it’s a small world™ because the ride features the “happiest” animatronic dolls from different places on “Earth.”  Although this ride would have been much more entertaining if they used real live children or midgets rather than robots (at least in my opinion), it’s a fairly enjoyable ride where you can take a relaxing ten-minute break from the chaos of the rest of the park. 

I like it’s a small world™, but I also hate it at the same time.  Sure, it’s great to see little dolls dressed up in costumes from different cultures from around the world, but what irritates me is that there is only ONE Filipino doll throughout the entire ride.  This is surprising considering that Filipino Americans are the second largest group of Asian Americans (only behind Chinese Americans).  There are more Filipinos in the United States than Japanese, Vietnamese, Indians, and Koreans, and yet all these other groups have dozens of dolls in lavish displays on it’s a small world™.  Additionally, Filipinos have a long and intimate history with America.  Filipinos were among the first Asian American immigrants, Filipinos have fought against and alongside Americans in numerous wars, and the Philippines were once an occupied territory of the United States.  Why the hell are Filipinos represented by only one damn doll that’s awkwardly placed between the aquatic and Hawaiian sets?

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re assuming that all of this anger is coming from the fact that I’m Filipino and I’m whining because I want to see someone who looks like me on a ride at Disneyland.  This just isn’t true.  This represents a serious social issue and this atrocity should be pointed out and be made aware to the American public.  Who should be blamed for this abomination?  Walt Disney can hardly be blamed, even though it is his own damn park.  Even if he was racist, he lived in a time when it was fashionable to be a bigot.  You can’t blame a guy for trying to fit in.  I suppose I could blame Lady Gaga because she seems to be at the root of all that is wrong in the world.  But, blaming Lady Caca would be too easy. 

Perhaps no one should be blamed at all.  Maybe this is just a minor oversight by the Disneyland Attractions Committee and a slight overreaction on my part.  But, that’s boring.  Someone has to take the blame because in all of life’s incidences someone has to be the fall guy.  This is why I’m going to blame Vanessa Hudgens.

Vanessa Hudgens is known mostly for three things:  1. Starring in Disney’s blockbuster movie/television series High School Musical, 2. Being the girlfriend/fag hag of teen heartthrob Zac Efron, and 3. Taking naked pictures of her hairy body with her cell phone.  She is less known for her ethnic ambiguity, which, I suppose, is responsible for her exotic good looks that the entertainment industry covets.  In an interview on On-Air with Ryan Seacrest, Ryan asked her about her ethnic background, to which Vanessa said, “Pretty much I’m Filipino and Caucasian, but within that I’m Spanish, Chinese, American Indian, and Irish.”   I understood what she meant by this, but I don’t understand why she felt the need to say it.  In all likelihood, all Filipino Americans you know are some type of mix of Spanish and Chinese blood.  That’s what a Filipino is!  This is why Filipinos eat rice and noodles and have Spanish last names. 

Vanessa Hudgens isn’t the only Filipino who does this; she’s just the most famous.  Baseball players Benny Agbayani and Shane Victorino also like to pull off this stunt.  Both of them are Filipino American baseball players from Hawaii, but they both claim that their ethnicity is “Hawaiian.”  This makes as much sense as Arnold Schwarzenegger saying that his ethnic background is “Californian.” 

A college friend of mine once said that Filipinos are like the wind:  They’re felt but they’re never seen.  Filipino Americans are all over the place; they just seem to not want to make that known.  I don’t know if it’s a small world™ would feature more Filipino animatronic dolls if people like Vanessa Hudgens and Benny Agbayani would just get over themselves and claim to be what they really are.  It might be that because Filipino and Filipino American history is so intertwined in the fabric of American history itself, Filipino Americans aren’t perceived as “foreign” as other Asian American groups.  Therefore, a large and elaborate Filipino set wouldn’t be warranted on a ride that features peoples from faraway and exotic countries.  What the hell do I know?  I’m not a sociologist.

But still.  ONLY ONE FUCKING DOLL?  Tigga, please. 

A medida que la cabeza en las vacaciones de fin de semana, pensé que sería apropiado para escribir esta entrada de blog en la lengua de nuestros padres fundadores del país. Después de todo, no hay vacaciones que es más que el Día de la Independencia de América.

Como cada verdadero patriota, voy a celebrar esta fiesta por barbequing carne, obteniendo shitfaced sobre la cerveza, y ver los fuegos artificiales por la noche. Y entonces mi novia María nos llevará a casa para que podamos hacer nuestros propios fuegos artificiales en nuestro dormitorio.

Tener un seguro y feliz Día de la Independencia!  Dios bendiga a America!!

As we head into the holiday weekend, I thought it would be appropriate to write this blog entry in the language of our country’s founding fathers.  After all, there is no holiday that is more American than Independence Day. 

Like every true patriot, I will celebrate this holiday by barbequing steak, getting shitfaced on beer, and watching fireworks at night.  And then my girlfriend Maria will drive us home so we can make our own fireworks in our bedroom.