Current events from a Conservative’s perspective:

We live in turbulent times. 

We are fighting two wars overseas with no clear exit strategy.  We’re also involved in a conflict between Israel and Palestine and Iran that has no resolution that I perceive can satisfy all parties involved. 

Our economy has tanked and unemployment is reaching all-time highs.  We have given billions of taxpayer dollars to Wall Street in efforts to overcome the recession.  And while the economy is improving, all signs indicate that we will experience a “jobless recovery,” which doesn’t really help anyone (unless you’re a banking executive).

The current President and Congress are the most liberal that this country has ever seen.  Their healthcare bill calls for a government takeover of the healthcare system.  While this plan will provide healthcare to over 95% of all Americans, it will also mean an increase in government spending and limit the choices of citizens, both of which are antithetical to the principles and ideals that America was founded on.

The polar ice caps are (allegedly) melting.  The environment is being destroyed, and breathing the air in downtown Los Angeles is just as healthy as smoking a Marlboro Ultra Light cigarette. 

Moreover, our children are crazy.  They are strung out on Adderall and worship vampires.  In the midst of all of this, music by Miley Cyrus doesn’t seem all that bad, despite the atrocity that it actually is.

Nevertheless, I still have hope and a lot to be thankful for.  Because even though I have no health insurance and no job, I’m content to know that Adam and Steve can’t get married in California or Maine.

I stop by Starbucks every morning on my way to work.  Two weeks ago when I was buying my coffee looked in my wallet and realized that I was all out of cash.  I dug around my wallet to look for one of my credit cards, and when I pulled it out an expired condom fell out and onto the counter.  Amused, the barista said, “Awesome,” and I said, “Yes, that was a pretty awesome thing to happen.”  I paid for my coffee, put the expired condom back in my wallet, grabbed my coffee, and drove to work.  The rest of the day was unremarkable.  Although the expired condom event was pretty awesome, it really wasn’t anything remarkable.  I remember this day because I woke up with a great feeling, but I didn't know why.  All I knew was that I saw the world in a new light.

Sometime in the past two weeks, I came to the realization that there is probably not a woman on the face of this Earth who can ever truly fall in love with me.  Now, I don’t think that I’m a difficult person to appreciate.  After all, I am a “nice guy”, and 100% of the people who know me can attest to that statement.  I’m friendly, kind, generous, and pleasant; I’m not rude, harsh, abrasive, or mean-spirited.  Honestly,it’s pretty damn easy to not be an asshole.  However, I am kind of a reflective person and critical thinker, but these are qualities that don't stand out right away. 

The problem is that to appreciate these qualities about me, it takes patience, thoughtfulness, heart, and effort, and those are things that women, for the most part, don’t have.  As a 30-year old single man, I’ve been expected to date women who are around my age.  But, I’ve realized that something happens to women at around 28 years old that just causes them to go completely berserk.  Generally speaking from my experience, women over 28 are not looking for boyfriends anymore.  They’re no longer looking for people to have fun with or new people to talk to.  Women over 28 are no longer looking for nice or intelligent guys.  They’re no longer looking for someone who can hold a decent conversation.  They’re no longer looking for someone who can take them to Mammoth every winter or someone who can show them the nightlife on the Westside.  Rather, women over 28 are looking for husbands and fathers for their future children.  They feel that they need to get married and have children STAT, and this kind of mentality makes women over 28 kind of insane.   No matter what they say, women over 28 are looking for sperm and someone who will stand next to them in the picture for the annual Christmas card.

Now, I don’t know what happens to women when they turn 28 that makes them go bonkers, but they’re all looking to get hitched and knocked up ASAP, and many of them end up “falling in love” with the first sucker they meet after they turn 28.  Why do you think so many people get married by the time they’re 30?  Is it because of love?  Sadly, their strong desire to get married makes them oblivious to the things that are important to having a real, loving relationship (such as love, respect, honor, and a “normal guy”).  I really don’t need any of that, and that’s why I will never date a woman older than 28 years old anymore.  I want someone to appreciate me for who I am, and that takes time.  I don’t want someone to “fall in love” with me just because I am 30 and have sperm.

I suppose it isn’t fair that women have a biological time clock, and that they can only bear children up to a certain age.  (I mean, I can have children when I’m 80 years old, and that hardly seems fair.  The more I think about it, it seems kind of ideal to have children later in life when I’m retired.  I mean, I’m too busy with work and having a social life nowadays, so why not have kids when I’m rich and retired and have nothing else to do?) Also, I suppose we still live in an old-fashioned society where an older, single woman with no children is considered an “old maid”. That’s really not fair, too.  It is true that society unjustifiably puts more pressure on women than men to get married and have children.  A lot of things have contributed to women’s social status, and I’ll admit that men have a lot to do with it.  Men, Christianity, tradition, government, religion, and women’s indifference have all oppressed women throughout history.  But at the end of the day, IT’S NOT MY PROBLEM.  

Sure, it’s “my problem” in a way because I have a sense of stewardship to my society, but what the hell am I supposed to do?  I’m not misogynistic.  I don’t hate women.  I’m nice to them.  I have good manners around them.  I support a woman’s right to choose.  I support women’s suffrage.  I’ve even gone on record and said that female is the superior gender and that God is a woman.  But, as a man, what more can I do?  I highly doubt that me dating cougars will make any significant impact in the pro-women movement.  (If women really wanted to stop their oppression, then they should stop doing what is expected of them.  They should stop being so desperate after hitting 28 and realize that getting married and having babies aren’t really all that important.)

From now on I’m only going to date women 26 and younger.   Women 26 and under aren’t insane like older women.  Their judgment is less likely to be clouded by the idea that they need to have babies or get married immediately.  They’re more likely to be care-free and open-minded.  They’re more likely to be willing to listen to what I have to say and learn new things.  They’re more likely to laugh at all my jokes.  And most importantly, they have all the time in the world to appreciate a person like me (and vice-versa).  Women 26 and younger don’t know what the hell they want in a guy, which is great because with me, women don’t know what they’re going to get.  I understand that not all women fall into these general categories, but because of the biological time clock, a woman older than 28 is more likely to be insane than a woman younger than 28.  I have to go with the odds.

I have the rest of my life to fall in love.  There’s no expiration date on my condom.

Last Thursday I was standing outside of Starbucks with the intent of smoking a cigarette when I realized that I had left my lighter at home.  I walked over to a guy named Rodney (who coincidentally looks a lot like Rodney Bingenheimer) and kindly asked him if I could use his lighter.  He said, “Jesus Fucking Christ,” and grudgingly handed me his miniature Bic™ flame thrower.  After using it I thanked him and handed it back, but that didn't stop him from snarling at me as he walked away.  Normally, rudeness like this would have irritated me, but this interaction didn’t bother me at all.  I expected this type of behavior from Rodney because this simple episode has occurred at least once a week for the last eleven months.  Like me, Rodney is considered a “regular” at Starbucks, but he’s not your typical loyal customer.  Rodney is at Starbucks every hour that they’re open of every day.  He and his wacky behavior are perceived to be part of the furniture:  Taking an insult from him seriously would be like being offended by a messy couch.  Everyone would agree that Rodney’s commitment to this store has definitely been beneficial to him.  His committed loyalty to Starbucks has essentially granted him a pass to being a complete dick.

Commitment is generally perceived as a good thing, particularly because it fosters dedication and loyalty.  These are certainly desirable attributes, particularly in terms of relationships.  When a couple has been dating for a considerable amount of time, it’s often expected that at some point their relationship will become exclusive.  Friends and family will start to chatter about when the couple will move in together, get married, and have children.  However, many times the relationship doesn’t reach this point.  One person balks at the notion of becoming exclusive and declines to commit.  This person is then accused of having “commitment issues,” and this kind of bothers me, particularly because the accused person is usually the guy.

Men and women are both accused of having “commitment issues,” but, generally speaking, this term is more often (and unfairly) applied to men.  In reality, men don’t suffer from this alleged syndrome because there is no such thing as “commitment issues.”  Let’s consider the following scenario that everyone, male and female, has experienced at some point in their lives:  A guy meets a girl and they get to know each other.  The girl thinks that she made a new friend, but the guy secretly harbors feelings for her.  After some time the guy starts to drop hints to her that he wants to be more than friends.  He starts calling her more often, he starts taking her out, and he starts buying her things.  The girl begins to suspect that something is afoot, but she doesn’t say anything because she doesn’t want to jeopardize their friendship.  The guy presses on, eventually making her a mix-tape CD of R&B songs (particularly Usher) and asking her to be his girlfriend.  While flattered (read: creeped out), she denies his request.  The guy insists that there are no hard feelings and, as a friendly gesture, he takes her to watch a Dane Cook movie in the theaters.  Afterwards, they go to their respective homes and they both cry (but for very different reasons).

The point is that men don’t have “commitment issues;" they're just perceived to have them.  A woman (generally speaking) won’t commit to a guy unless she feels really comfortable about him (on average this takes about six dates).  But when she does decide that she wants to be committed to him, she will usually expect him to feel the same way.  When this doesn't happen, the guy is accused of being afraid of commitment.  But, that's not really what's going on.  If a man wants to be in a committed relationship, then he’ll say it.  He won’t wait for the woman to express the same sentiment, and he won’t play any mind games regarding his feelings for the girl.  A guy won’t beat around the bush.

The truth is that if a guy hasn’t expressed that he wants to be committed, then he doesn’t want to be committed and he’s probably not that interested.  For example, I might not like Red Lobster, but that doesn’t mean that I have issues with seafood restaurants.  It just means that I have issues with Red Lobster.  If a guy doesn’t express interest in committing to a girl, that doesn’t mean that he has issues with commitment.  It just means that he has issues committing to that girl.  “Commitment issues” is a cop out.  It’s not like people who want to be in relationships are ever accused of having “being-single issues.”  The term “commitment issues” was probably coined by someone who was in a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere but didn’t want to blame themselves.

Commitment is beneficial in any aspect of life because it’s a conscious decision.  It’s good to commit yourself to something if you want to, but you shouldn’t fault someone for not committing to something that you want them to.  Commitment might make you feel better about your relationship, it might give your life focus, and it might give you a pass to being a jerk, but it’s never, ever an “issue.”