February 8, 2011
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Three Thoughts on Super Bowl XLV
NUMBER ONE:
The Super Bowl has come and gone, which ostensibly means that Americans are now collectively five pounds heavier and will have to spend Sundays with their families. The week after the Super Bowl is usually the unhappiest time of the year in America. As always, the post-Super Bowl chatter is less about the game and more about the things that circumvented it. Aside from the Darth Vader kid, Eminem’s shitty car, and Kim Kardashian’s enormous butt, one of the biggest things people seem to keep talking about is the performance by Christina Aguilera. She delivered a fantastic vocal performance of the Star-Spangled Banner, but people can’t seem to get over the fact that she screwed up the verses. To be honest, I didn’t even notice it, and neither did the fifteen other people who were in the same room as me. “Twilight’s last reaming” was wrong? It sounded right to me, and I’m sure it sounds just as patriotic as whatever you think the “real” words to the song might be. I’m not going to hate someone who couldn’t remember the words to an antiquated song that no one knows the meaning to. Christina Aguilera has nothing to prove to American sports spectators: She sang the national anthem twice for the NBA Finals and was perfect each time. If you’re going to diss Christina Aguilera, then make fun of how her weight gain is slowly morphing her into the blond Snooki.
NUMBER TWO:The Super Bowl has come and gone, which ostensibly means that Americans are now collectively five pounds heavier and will have to spend Sundays with their families. The week after the Super Bowl is usually the unhappiest time of the year in America. As always, the post-Super Bowl chatter is less about the game and more about the things that circumvented it. Aside from the Darth Vader kid, Eminem’s shitty car, and Kim Kardashian’s enormous butt, one of the biggest things people seem to keep talking about is the performance by the Black Eyed Peas. They delivered a brilliant halftime show, complete with moving stages, blinding lasers, auto-tune, and electric suits. Fergie sang great, will.i.am auto-tuned perfectly, and Taboo stood around spectacularly. It was the most phenomenal show ever produced that everyone collectively hated. Now, it’s no secret that the Black Eyed Peas make mindless music. If you don’t like the Black Eyed Peas, that’s fine, but that doesn’t mean that they’re bad. A lot of people recalled that the Black Eyed Peas made socially conscious and quasi-intelligent rap music in the 1990s. That is true, but what is also true is that Behind the Front probably isn’t as good as you remember it to be. Everything from a long time ago always seems better, and everything always seems to get better as time goes on. Taste is subjective, and if you forget that then you will always be unhappy. The halftime show was simply just a performance by a relevant musical act in their prime singing music that people danced to at a football game. This was something that hasn’t happened in the Super Bowl in a long time. If you were unhappy about the halftime show, then that was unhappiness that you deserved. If you feel you deserved something better, then go listen to whatever “good” music is in your iPod as often as you want.
NUMBER THREE:The Super Bowl has come and gone, which ostensibly means that Americans are now collectively five pounds heavier and will have to spend Sundays with their families. The week after the Super Bowl is usually the unhappiest time of the year in America. As always, the post-Super Bowl chatter is less about the game and more about the things that circumvented it. However, I want to know why no one seems to be bothered by the fact that we call it the “Super Bowl.” Of all the names of the major sports championships, the “Super Bowl” is the cheesiest name of them all. The NBA has the Finals, the NHL has the Stanley Cup Final, and baseball has the World Series. But, the NFL has the Super Bowl. “Super.” Did an eight-year-old name this game? Are the players considered “super”? Are the Green Bay Packers now considered the most “super” team? Are the Pittsburgh Steelers any less “super” for losing the game? Could any hyperbolic adjective been used to name the NFL championship game? In the most violent of all sports played by the most lionized athletes of our time, couldn’t we have come up with a more dignified name for the NFL Championship Game?
